Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Pope Calls on Potter Fans

Recent permission for Catholics to revert to holding their mass in Latin has revealed a minor snag - very few priests can read or remember how to recite the Latin mass. Pope Benedict considers turning to the worldwide legions of Harry Potter fans "At least those kids can get their mouths around it. This is our chance to show them that Catholicism can be cool too - after all, we had Latin first!"
The Vatican has remained silent on possible podcast options or movie tie-ins.

Crack in the Ranks

How does it happen that one day all your underpants have suddenly voted and split themselves clearly into two camps? They're now irrefutably droppers or clutchers and no comfortable middle-ground can be met. Clearly this is why one should never ever catch up all the laundry - they need a quorum to hold the vote. I've tried negotiation, I've tried work to rule, I've tried bargaining, but there's nothing for it. This is a vital service, I'm going to use emergency executive powers and replace the lot with scabs.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Tidy Up

Well hey there compadres!
There's loads of little things to tell you all about. First of all, thank you to everyone who's sent me a message of any kind in support of pulling through the last few weeks. The GBS is now battling the prednisolone/salofalk and I think loosing. The side effects (mostly I get very restless and only slightly cranky - so hard for other people to tell there's any difference really) of the drugs have been more manageable this time as the dose wasn't as high and got stepped-back more quickly. The new doctor seems thoughtful and intelligent and I'll be seeing a new specialist soon. I like the idea that I am assembling a "crack" (sorry about any arse puns that make their way into this post) team of brave and compassionate souls all fighting for a better world. Yes, I have been reading too much Harry Potter.

That reminds me. HOW GOOD IS BOOK SEVEN?!?!!! No Spoilers here - don't be concerned. I really enjoyed it, and yes I know there's many points of discussion about what a better book/series might be... but I am living with the experience I am having, not the one I think I ought to have - and that has to go for books, comics, movies and transport options too. We'll talk later, I'm sure.

Major Family Moment on the weekend. After months of planning and preparation (mostly by my very able and forthright sisters) Ma & Pa's poor white trash shack of house has been transformed into a sunflower bright butterfly house. OMG. Isn't it amazing what eleven people, hundreds of dollars of paint and about 16 litres of tea can achieve?! The shock-troops arrived on saturday morning around 9am (yes, I was just getting up and had jammies and gritty eyes) and had a full first coat of paint on the place by lunch. Huge. I offered (wisely I thought at the time) to stay out of the way (my uncle and cousins are professional house painters) and to do the catering. What an undertaking. Imagine the logistics of serving and provisioning eleven hungry folk for morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, morning tea and lunch. I will never be intimidated by Christmas again! Many thanks to Sis2 for sporadic assistance, a warm haven for the night and a restful breakfast before re-entering the fray. Ma is delighted with the outcome and we're all pleased it's over. In a happy way.

The portugese tarts were ok. The pastry was a wreck (i measured a key ingredient incorrectly and turned it from flaky pastry to shortbread - no one seemed to mind) but the custard totally made up for it. This is the *best*ever* custard and well worth the time it takes to assemble. I will be trying the custard in a vanilla slice-type environment to see how I go with store pastry (as we have a huge bag of passionfruit to use).

Today I have sent away an application for a regional writers scholarship through the Queensland Arts Council. If I get it, it means 3 weeks at a writing retreat in Varuna. I have applied once before for a mentorship there - it's a brilliant setup in the Blue Mountains. I don't want to get too excited, I don't even know how long it takes for them to decide and everything, or how many people apply for this. But just putting together the material for the application was actually a brilliant process and very worthwhile. It helped me to get back on track for my writing goals for the rest of the year. Light a stick of incense for me - I'll keep you informed.

Finally, it seems to have taken years, but Beowulf, Stardust and His Dark Materials: Golden Compass are all about to hit the big screens. What a glut! YAHOO!!!!

Just make sure you go read the books first. Really.

(Yes, the Hearney translation of Beowulf - through Faber, oh, I think Penguin bought out Faber... just go to the library ok!).



Really finally... Crazy Clark's has closed down across the road from my office window. Out of no-where friday was their last day. What a trash and desolate place the Ipswich "CBD" is now with more vacant shops than filled ones. This is the natural predatory order of things in the capitalist jungle. Perhaps this culling will allow some sunlight in and some new things to take root. I live in hope.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sloppy

One of my (few) male coworkers in the "Shiny Ice-Cold Sex" department (ie: marketing) had a very funny reaction to a simple word the other day. It was amazing to watch, so obviously, I had to say it a few times to check that it wasn't a fluke.
What word you may wonder.

Was it something far too bland to ever be mentioned in our cool department (cardigan)? Was it something harsh and discordant (strip mining)? Was it something just too long and slightly high-brow (democracy)?
No, it was none of these things. It was just sloppy.

He nearly gagged. He twisted in his chair, looked away, and I bet his toes were curdling in his classy shoes. Hi-larious.
He even said "Could we use another word?"
Where is Jayne with a pithy, hard-arsed comeback when you really need him?

'It's just sloppy protocols', I said and yup, there he goes. Dancing like a meat puppet to my tune. BWAHAHAHAHA.
I reckon he got teased for being a bad kisser, or has a terminal castrating fear of vaginas. Will keep you posted as the opportunities present themselves to test these theories (from a purely theoretical standpoint on this one).

Life Enlivened by The Onion

This made me laugh today, so I thought I would share it with you:

Earthquake Sets Japan Back To 2147
July 23, 2007 Issue 43•30

TOKYO—Japanese government officials confirmed Monday that the damage wrought on Japan's national infrastructure by the July 16th earthquake—particularly on the country's protective force field, quantum teleportation system, zero-point fusion energy broadcasting grid, and psychodynamic communications network—was severe enough to set the technologically advanced island nation back approximately 300 years to a primitive mid-22nd-century state of existence.
"Japan finds itself in crisis, with our society and culture temporarily reverting to a pre-cyberunification era," said Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe, communicating non-telekinetically for the first time in his nearly 150 years of post-cryogenic life. "Though many citizens have been limited to algorithm-based emotion detection, neutron baths, speed limits below the speed of light, and other barbaric inconveniences for over a week now, I promise we will pull through." {more}

Hehehehehe. Those crazy guys!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Thanatos

Work is looking into doing a thing on skulls.
There are a lot more skulls in art than you may initially think of. Damian Hirst has the most famous one at the moment where he's made on (or encrusted on - I'm not sure ) with about 10 thousand diamonds. It's been on display at White Cube in London - but I think that show is finished now. There was berserk security - you'd be escorted two people at a time into the darkened room for a maximum of 2 - 5 minutes. Good marketing if you ask me. I heard a rumour that George Michael was thinking of buying it. I just checked. It's 8500 diamonds, and the skull is cast in platinum and *then* encrusted.
I digress.

Out of interest and excitement, I started reading a bit more about the representational aspects of skulls, and came across a chap I'd never heard of - Thanatos. A "minor" figure in Greek Mythology (he's just death after all) or, once again I've checked , and he was probably minor in the Greek pantheon due to being in charge of "peaceful death" unlike Keres who took on violent death and so therefore is obviously much cooler. Freud apparently went on later to use his name to refer to a "death drive" (early emo?) .

I'm not sure yet what there is to do with this new knowledge of this old character. He has been utilised by many a band and a couple of death cult types (despite Keres). There's just something about this name and idea that sound rich. I've had it on a postie note for a few weeks now, and that's normally the test - after a few days it'll come down from the monitor and go in the bin ... but there he is. I think he's waiting for the right cross pollination to bang into him.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Final Installment

It would be remiss to let this weekend pass and not say: "HARRY POTTER".

A new film and the last book.
I enjoy the books, I've saved up reading #6 so that I can read the last two in a row. Getting to the end of #5 and knowing that it could be *years* before I found out what happened next was the kind of annoyance I could not choose to put myself through again. Plus there's the pleasure that latecomers have - when a series is complete and one can be totally immersed in it. Yum yum yum.

I went yesterday to see the film with Sis2 who had taken her chillen and so had missed large chunks of it. We had a very good time, and dark Malteasers.

Today I am trying a new recipe - Portuguese Custard Tarts. I've never even tried making pastry of this calibre before, so I am feeling a bit intimidated, but as I have a captive, appreciative audience who hasn't eaten them in Little Portugal, I am hopeful of a positive experience.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Meet me Half Way

George prayed every day for three years to win the lottery, but never heard from God or hit the jackpot. Finally, God woke him up in the middle of the night.
"George, is that you who's been praying so hard to win the lottery?" the Supreme Being boomed.
"Yes, Lord, desperately!"
God paused for a moment, then said thoughtfully,
"George, I'll tell you what. I want you to meet me halfway. Buy a ticket, OK?"

Sleepwalking

ooooh Shiver me timbers!
It's been cold enough to freeze the balls from a brass monkey.

We are so very far from water here that I remain enamoured of the faux nautical/piratical terminology in everyday use for reasons of high irony and shall continue to use them no matter how out of step I remain/become.

I digress.

It has been jolly cold - with many a morning spiking down below zero, and a week of weather in the more-than-5-degrees-below-normal type range, and yet dry dry dry. This makes sleeping fully enclosed within the doona-cocoon the best option. I am thinking of finding my snorkel, or perhaps modifying one of Pa's safety masks to bring in the trickle of fresh air that I need, which the dog seems to do fine without.
Today has been the first day all week, that I don't feel that I'm sleepwalking through the day, waiting to thaw before my brain can wake. I am putting this down to having a double breakfast and a 4 minute Scorching Shower before setting off in Audrey for work. And now another coffee.

Being sick at the moment with the Great Bowel Serpent (GBS)... saying ulcerative colitis all the time just sounds like I'm some pathetic Harry Potter wannabe with a spell that doesn't work... coffee isn't really the right thing to be turning to.
On the other hand, I'm looking at it more like Thunderdome - you want to send another combatant in or it's just no fun at all! Oh hahahahahaa. How I do entertain myself!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

International Moment

BTW
How good is the exchange rate at the moment?!?!!

No longer do I have to double the price of something to see if I can afford the postage! A $32 shirt cost $36. OMG.

I don't believe in commercialism, consumption, this wastage of our natural resources on petty entertainments.
That's the official line - but I'm a woman - I have needs, okay?!
At the moment, I *need* Macbeth as directed by Polanski. I just do.
I *need* to go on the Christmas Browncoat cruise and I don't know why.

Let's not go into this, but nearly 90 cents to the dollar, c'mon!

Hey... that gets me thinking. China. Big country, right? America - big debt - largely to China as far as I can make out (this is hazy, they don't seem to like to admit where all this money is owed). How long do you reckon until the global economy really starts to tilt away from America? Loads of little countries (think those teeny ones in Africa) just go to China for aid now. China gives it too - for a cut. Of land, or jobs. Mercenary. Effective.
Maybe the next Roman empire will manifest in my lifetime, and it will be Chinese.

So very many people have been there before me on this one, it's only a surprise that I bothered.

Last question - Cantonese or Mandarin lessons?

The Germans!

I meant to salute the Germans before they left, but life was intense for a handful of days and wrapped me up.
Iris and Matthias bought their incandescence to our humble farm house for the weekend. It was a glory to share some time with them, and be able to provide a range of roos and wallabies for their first stay on a farm. They recorded the sound of our farm for use later in their art, and somehow, somewhere very deeply, this has pleased me immensely. Oh yeah, and they intrigued my parents and were very good company and basically it was a great time. I learnt a new description for ruma and coke - Cuba Libre - cuba free - an allusion to rum/cuba and America/coke. oh hilarity hilarity. Of course it's even cooler when you say it with a German accent "cooba Leeba" . We played pool in the pool room, and even that seemed pretty hilarious at the time. I taught Iris how to make scones. Much fun was had by all.

Really, after all my moaning and fretting when Lee & Andy came out worrying about would it be ok?, would they find it?, was it all an elaborate hoax to trick me? - I must now admit that this has been a fantastic run of intrepid souls gracing us.

Iris & Matthias travel on up towards Cairns for the next few weeks, and I hope they enjoy many over sized and tacky "Big Objects" (they saw the Big Pineapple on the way here) and that the Great Barrier Reef is still alive when they get there.
Travel well, see you next time.

Lil Goes to Silverdale

Lil the Cow and two of her cowpatriots went to Silverdale this afternoon. None of us were here to wave them off, the local truck-driving man knows the drill and loaded them hisself, filled in the paperwork, possibly patted a dog, and was gone.
Gone from our lives, Lil. Ma's second ever purebred Limousin cow who she got before they moved out here to the big farm, mustuv been about 14 or 15 years ago, and she's been breeding ever since. But here's how it goes; we're running out of feed, there's young uns to keep (although most will go soon to Silverdale too) and the dam's getting low low.
So despite the fetal hope in their bellies they're at the Silverdale yards tonight, and tomorrow someone will buy them and we hope it will be a loving family with paddocks of knee-high clover who will love them until their natural end.
Yeah, and then I'll win lotto.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Aust Post: Axis of Evil?

Increasingly the "service" from Australia Post grates harshly.
Queues, dullness of intellect, poor English skills, padded product ranges - all these are but nothing compared to the incessant creep of that most insidious franchise behaviour: the upsell.

"May I have a book of ten stamps please?" is no longer a request, but an invitation to offer me a ream of paper on special, envelopes, a book of 20 stamps, a pack of highlighters.
"Just the stamps....gritted teeth...please."

Do they think we are that inane? That dim witted?
"Gosh, I forgot, yes, I am completely out of envelopes, highlighters, and dodgy teddy bears (stocked here for no apparent purpose), load me up!"
If I could buy stamps from a slot in the wall I would, and willingly, to forgo this element of modern life. Are there no standards anywhere anymore?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Quarterly Essay

They just keep delivering the good stuff.
Here's a short excerpt from the intro (pg3/4) to the current Quarterly Essay "His Master’s Voice: The corruption of Public Debate under Howard" by David Marr.

"At the heart of democracy is a contest of conversations. The tone of a democracy is set by the dialogue between a nation and its leaders. For the last decade, Australia has had a prime minister who thinks it beneath him to admit mistakes…
But after being belittled for most of his political career, Howard came to power determined public debate would be conducted on his terms. They are subtle, bizarre and at times brutal. This essay is about those terms and why Australians put up with them. Since 1996, Howard has cowed his critics, muffled the press, intimidated the ABC, gagged scientists, silenced non-government organisations, neutered Canberra’s mandarins, curtailed parliamentary scrutiny, censored the arts, banned books, criminalised protest and prosecuted whistleblowers."

This is just him warming up. There's a great essay here, and also really enjoyable, rhythmic writing. Just the thing to go with watching Deadwood.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Another Perspective

Riddle me this Batman....
Isn't hindsight great!?
It's not really a riddle is it? Here's the riddle - how can I access the clarity and wisdom of hindsight in the moment??
hmmmm.... trust me, if I figure that out, you can see my on my speaking tour of the universe!

So I'm home crook from work, tucked up nice and warm, looking back over a couple of rough weeks - which were so hard to move through day by day, and going "oh yeah - that would be when I started getting sick again!" There it is. Chronic conditions may take a holiday, but they never leave completely.

It's not enough that the horrid nausea and pains are back - but worse even is that I feel like I short-changed the lovely lovely Julian who drove all the way up to stay for a few days. I was so very worried he would get lost, or eaten by trolls, or squished by a semi. Thankfully, none of those things happened at all, and he arrived jubilantly - his normal cheerful and charming self. He won over the entire extended clan to his fanclub within 20 minutes of meeting any of them. It was great fun to tour him around the farm, and the area. He seemed honestly joyful, and it was a pleasure to share his interest. He had an amazing time before he got here - driving up from Sydney through the inland road, staying at Armidale, and after leaving us heading to Mount Tambourine (in the hinterland towards the Gold Coast) and hence to Coffs Harbour in northern NSW. I remember Coffs as being a totally top-town so I hope he's enjoying his time there. I am honoured that we were included in his itinerary, and grateful that he took my illness in his stride.

I HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT JULIAN BEAT ME FAIR AND SQUARE AT SCRABBLE.

He made some corkers over the triple-word stars let me tell you.

Just in case you've been wondering - no rain. NO RAIN. The one remaining bonsai receives ever more care. The jacaranda is hanging in with us (getting the odd bucket of grey water) but I've had a heart-searching session, and the fig bonsai has become a totem of hope at the moment. It is continuing to thrive through the winter, as I've moved it into the sunroom. I move it to the window ledge for the day (careful - they can be burnt by winter sun through glass) then away from the cold glass at night. Right now it's outside in the normal sun soaking in a bowl of icy tank water, feeling the wind on its bark. Yes, it gets more attention than I give my hair.

The six-month date of moving to the farm ticked by on June 20th. No biggie. (yeah right!) I still feel so homesick sometimes - but I know it's only for the very very goodest-things from before. I have forgotten the boring and icky bits quite easily. Really good friends are hard to replace. Invisible computer things help a lot, but they never make up for dinners and hugs. Well, love works in strange ways, and despite how blue and brown I've been lately, well, I still do trust that things will all work out.

Naive? Perhaps.

Friday, July 06, 2007

One pill makes you larger...

I have to talk to you.
Right now I'm wound up so tight it's hurting. Nausea. Nothing's wrong - just a bout of mild mania. Too excited, too loud, too up, too too much altogether. If I can stay with it, it should all settle in an hour or so. Do you have this? What do you do with this jaggy time, this burstingness?

Icky Thump is on the player and I'll assemble the new desk gadget for holding pieces of paper.

Hilarious moment this morning - beat-up old Torana in 70s porn metallic bronze - complete with fluffy dice and roo-bar parked out front of the Trash City Council building. Hi-l-arious. Gotta snap of it for posterity.

Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

You Are in the RIGHT place

Re-arranged the furniture, that's all.

On a philosophical note - the title of this post makes for a "all our toasts are buttered" kind of futuristic-positivitistic slogan that I want to see on muscle shirts....

Do you think I can licence it to Blue Sun?

Embrace and Extend.

Birds & Bees

Animals are so great - really, so very great.
For example, today I learnt a lot more about bees.

I didn't realise that there were so many social elements to managing a bee hive. Nor that when a new queen starts out, there's a 3 hour orgy of sperm harvesting before she settles down for a lifetime of happy-hive making. Kewl!

Also, I made a clay owl today. A kinda 2d-3d owl. Not a sculpture, more a wall hanging. I may break the unwritten and arbitary rule about this blog not having pictures, just to share this little akimbo character with you. Craft about animals - life can be very very good!

Brush with (in)Fame(y)

Argh!
I'm waddling down the street to lunch in penguin black with OTT ear-rings (bitta bling darh-ling - for hump day don't you know) and it's PAULINE HANSON heading up the pavement t'wards me. Sometimes it's so annoying being a redhead.

Damn.

Things you see when you don't have a decent immigration policy on you.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Waiting in Ipswich

On my way to work this morning I was reflecting on the easy pace of life in regional Qld. Thongs. Warm winters (24 today!). School holidays. Low expectations. Shorts.
Walking up the mall, I noticed people waiting outside of the phone shop ... just waiting for it to open. Thursday - it's always the bank... pension day is an event here. I'm never here early enough - but apparently there's always folk waiting to get into the newsagents as well. Same thing at the Gallery all the time - people waiting for the doors to open at 10.
"Gotta get me another look at that d'Arcy Doyle."
Gagging to get in they are - particularly during the school holidays. That's a real measure of how much of "nothing else on" there is. No traffic to contend with - absolutely nothing else in your way. Get up and start the day. I'm not talking about queueing here - just waiting. Having a durrie. Watching the traffic. Sunning. Bogan Lizards.

I walked a different way this morning, and had to laugh. There's a clutch of kids waiting for "Netgames" to open and whiling away the time with a joint. How sweet youth is. Not a bad strategy either if I can step out of my "can't believe I have to go to work" jealousy of them - coz we all know that the police never walk up this way - they're concentrated one block back towards the station at the courthouse. I had to go past the courthouse too, and whaddya know - but there's the channel 9 news cameraman sitting and waiting. Both ends of the activity spectrum and consequences. There's a lot of waiting in this town. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting until you get moved along, waiting for the next payment. Waiting for some attention or interest. Maybe wondering if it'll be you who blows this time from the boredom.

Or you could be one of the button-ups waiting outside the library and circumventing the process with a different form of escapism. Go the nerd approach!

And then I stopped laughing and stopped looking at my phone for a moment because I realised that I am always waiting now too - for a new message to respond to, for someone to show me some attention, for something interesting to happen, because I cannot provide this for myself at the moment.
Is there something in the water here?

Goaded by this moment of clarity, I've bought another timer, so I can make the loud tick-tick noise at my desk that seems to be such a primal motivator for me to get things done. The tick-tick-tick that is unstoppable says to me "GO NOW!" even a single incandescent 5 minutes in this day turns it back into life and away from the numbness of waiting.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick